Ripped By mstoll
Pajama slide!
Good purchase, Mom.
(sighs)
I haven't even finished breakfast,
and that boy ain't right.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
You and Bobby are on your own tonight.
I'm going to Minh's for Ladies' Game Night.
You're leaving us alone? (sighs)
But you're a good buffer for when things get awkward.
Oh, Hank, you'll be fine.
I hope we play Scrabble.
I will be unstoppable with my two-letter words.
"Am, ho, id, na, is, if..."
(Bobby humming)
(sighs)
Oh, there's nothing more beautiful
than a man and his son alone, bonding.
A time when questions will be asked,
and answers will be given.
Yeah, I was kinda hoping we could do something
that didn't require a lot of conversation.
You know the type of stuff Bobby likes to talk about.
Well, you could rent a movie.
Ugh, he likes to act out the "funny parts."
What about going out to a movie?
He likes to whisper at me.
I say you take him to dinner.
There'll be people around. You can talk to the waiter.
You have options.
Yeah, like a date.
If there's a lull in the conversation,
just put a bread stick in your mouth to cover.
You know, I've been wanting to try that new steakhouse
in McMaynerbury.
If there's no live music, that's what we'll do.
My idea. Mine.
So, uh...
How's school?
Fine.
How's work?
Fine.
Two Kansas City strips, medium-rare.
Excuse me, sir.
There's something wrong with our steaks.
These should be prime, and this isn't the marbling for prime.
It's fatty in all the wrong places.
Bobby, what are you doing?
Don't insult a man's steak without tasting it.
You'll get us killed.
I assure you, sir, our beef is the finest in the county.
And this bone is so big and flat.
Everybody knows the tiny bone side of the sirloin
is the most tender.
What kind of steak joint is this?
Uh, look, dude, two days ago I was working at a shoe store.
I'll go get my manager.
Wow, Bobby, you sure do know your way around a steak.
MAN: I'd have to agree with that.
I must say, I have never seen someone so young
with such meat savvy.
I'm Roger Stiles, Professor of Meat Science
at Heimlich County Junior College.
I'm also coach of their Meat Examination Team.
What's a Meat Examination Team?
It's like debate team, but instead of doing
something useless,
they compete by judging cut and quality of meat.
Yep. I come here every night
looking for the missing link to our team.
And tonight I found you, Bobby.
See, we're all book learning.
We need passion.
Heck, I'm all passion.
Dad, why didn't you tell me about any of this?
Because you're never interested in anything good.
What do you say, Bobby?
You ready to take raw meat to the next level?
Can I, Dad? Can I join the team?
I have been waiting 13 years for you to ask that.
Absolutely.
(sizzling)
All right, Bobby, show 'em what you got.
Two rib eyes, one porterhouse, three filets--
One medium, two medium-rare-- And a New York strip well-done.
Well-done, indeed. Oh, man, look at that dang ol' boy.
Aunt Peggy, you must be so excited
to have discovered Bobby's hidden talent.
It's like buried treasure in his head.
Or is it his stomach?
It is very exciting, Luanne.
Who knows where this could take him?
Oh, yeah, real far.
He'll be able to skip a semester in hamburger school.
Yeah, this talent is a party trick to nowhere,
but it's cute you think your boy will be successful someday.
BOBBY: Soup's on.
Perfect choice, Bobby.
I've often thought my profile
bears a striking resemblance to a New York strip.
Oh, this looks delicious, sug.
Where on Earth did you learn so much about meat?
One day you will get to eat this.
The cow says moo.
The cow also says, "I have 11 distinct cuts of meat,
each with its own taste and texture."
I guess it just came naturally.
And the coloring indicates a fine to moderately fine texture.
Pa-tow.
BOBBY: Hey, Coach.
I'm ready to work.
Should I warm up with some ground chuck
or just jump right in?
There he is.
Everybody, this is Bobby,
the one who's gonna get us to State and take down Texas A&F.
My name is Njorl.
Norway exchange student.
Already know herring, need to know meats.
And I'm Lucy.
It's so super great to meet you.
You're totally gonna be better than our last guy.
(singsong): He was deadweight.
I can feel it. This kid's a prodigy.
I'm freaking out, guys. I'm freaking out!
Okay-
Don't worry about Ron.
Things get pretty intense around here.
The smell of blood in the air doesn't help.
I'm so psyched to be here.
Look, I don't know all the technical stuff yet,
but what I do know
is that the rib eye thickness of that carcass is half an inch.
Bobby's awfully late from practice.
His dinner's gonna get cold.
I know. Isn't it great?
(door opening)
Hey, sorry I'm late.
We were doing cartilage work
and Njorl couldn't remember his sacral from his lumbar.
(laughing)
We all had a good laugh.
Oh, Hank, he already has inside jokes and smells like raw beef.
I've got to tell you,
it's pretty great being a child prodigy.
And Coach gave me this DVD:
Slaughterhouse: From the Kill to Your Plate.
Do you want to watch it later, Dad?
Bobby, I would love to watch Slaughterhouse with you.
MAN: ...where the heart, lungs and viscera
are separated for inspection.
(sighs)
This is so exciting.
Now, you've worked hard for this and you're ready.
All we have to do is get fourth place
to qualify for the state championship.
We're gonna do better than fourth place!
We're taking first!
Texas A&F is going down!
(cheering)
ALL: Break!
♪ ♪
(cheering)
All right, Bobby!
(shutter clicks)
Time for the final question.
The four teams with the highest scores
will advance to the state competition.
The question:
Which of these carcasses has the most muscular round?
Heimlich County Junior College, you're up.
Who do we send? Ron?
Ah, I suck at muscling today.
Send me to organs where I belong.
Bobby?
Bobby. Bobby.
I got this.
Get 'em! Do it!
All right! You do good!
HANK: Go, Bobby!
Come on, Bobby!
Eat the whole thing!
Which of these carcasses has the most muscular round?
Number two.
I'm sorry.
The answer is carcass four.
What?
Why do you look so down, son?
Your team got fourth place.
You're going to State.
Bobby is going to State.
We did it, Peggy.
I wasn't sure.
Between this trophy
and your certificate for attendance
at vacation Bible school,
I am one proud mother.
I don't know why everyone is so happy.
I almost blew it for the whole team.
You're being too hard on yourself.
This was your first competition.
If I had a nickel for every time I buckled under pressure,
I would have five nickels.
But these guys are intense, Dad.
I've seen Coach Stiles hack up a cow torso.
This is not a man I want to disappoint.
You know who doesn't make mistakes, Bobby?
Jesus?
No! I-I mean, well...
Yes, but no.
Look, the point is, your team is going to State,
and that's all that matters.
Usually your pep talks go in one ear and out the other,
but this time, I'm feeling the pep!
(door opens)
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Well, if it isn't Little Gristle.
Go back to the meat you know: hot dogs and bologna.
COACH STILES: Okay, everybody, stop!
We don't have time for squabbling.
Yes, Bobby screwed up and he should be embarrassed,
and yes, we would replace him if we had time,
but he's still a part of this team.
Thank you.
I promise I won't let you down.
You better not.
Did you know that no one can hear you scream
from inside a meat locker?
Interesting fact.
I bet you guys are dying to know
why I'm holding this piece of paper.
I was afraid to ask. It's been killing me.
It's a form to make a deposit for a seat
on the meat team's State-bound chartered bus.
ALL: Ooh.
There is no greater sign that a competition is legitimate
than the chartering of a bus.
Yep. My son is going to State.
Bobby and I will have stuff to talk about
for the rest of our lives.
(slurping)
LUCY: Trimness. Less fat opposite the rib eye.
Less kidney, pelvic heart fat.
Less fat over the brisket, chuck, loin, plate,
inside round...
(Bobby laughs)
I'm ready to stop learning about beef
and start eating it!
(all gasp)
Everybody knows you don't sully your palate
with meat the night before competition.
That's incredibly basic.
That's day one.
COACH STILES: It's all sides.
Family style.
And an egg white omelet to share.
Oh, my god! It's the Texas A&F team!
Let's stab one in the restroom!
No! Let's blind them.
They can't grade beef if they can't see it.
Bobby, hand me the red pepper flakes.
(laughing)
Wait, you're serious?
BEN: Go grade some tofu, you losers!
(gasping, screaming) WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! He just threw pepper in their faces!
What is he doing?!
Thinking like a champ.
How was dinner?
Did you eat lots of protein and say some prayers?
We did neither, unless you consider eggs protein.
I do not.
Turns out these meat team people
are a bunch of weirdos.
A boy who has a unicorn ranch in his bedroom
shouldn't call other people weird.
That's right. We know about Rancho Unicorno.
I am telling you, these guys are freaks.
They don't know where meat ends and they begin.
What you're seeing is what's called team spirit.
It's like the Holy Spirit, but more powerful.
Dad, I'm quitting the team.
What? No!
We were so close!
Why would you pass up the chance
to compete at the state level?
Especially when that state is Texas?
I'm sorry, Dad.
(sighs) Well, I'm gonna support this team
whether you do or not.
When Hank Hill reserves a seat on a team bus,
he is gonna be on that bus.
Fine. Enjoy a bunch of crazy people
rambling about meat all day.
You know that I will.
Name, please?
Hill.
Hank and Bobby?
Just Hank.
Aw.
He just quit on me, Kaylee.
He thinks all these people are crazy.
Can you believe it?
Sad.
What the...?
Listen up, people. Y'all won't be going anywhere today.
Least of all, the state championship.
That's right, jerks.
You're being hijacked.
Texas A&F rules!
(yells)
Cell phones in the bag.
(stun gun zaps)
Now!
(groans) I knew this was gonna happen!
Why on Earth would you think we'd be hijacked?
It doesn't make any sense.
Makes perfect sense.
We are going to take state championship from them.
We must be hijacked.
Y'all could kiss State good-bye.
Wow, the Vogner "Little Man."
Mm-hmm, your father wanted to surprise you.
It was supposed to be waiting for you
when you got back from the tournament,
but you're not at the tournament.
Dad got this for me?
Yeah, he wanted to grill together,
just you and him.
He doesn't want to grill with me.
All he cares about is that I'm on some team.
This isn't about you being on a team.
It isn't even about beef.
What your father cares about is that you two
finally have something in common. Really?
He's never chartered a bus for me, Bobby...
as much as I've asked him to.
Mom, get me to State.
("Star Spangled Banner" playing)
(segues into "Feels So Good")
(plays final notes of "Star Spangled Banner")
Excuse me, sir.
I'm Bobby Hill from Heimlich County J.C.
I'm looking for my team.
You're it, son.
The rest of your squad's a no-show.
That can't be!
All they've got is beef grading.
Where are they?
Your father's not answering his cell phone.
Are you in or out?
(laughing): Check it out.
I'm in.
All in.
Every event.
BILL: Hey, Hank.
We thought we'd lost you.
This is a stupid place for a meat tournament.
We were hijacked and stranded
by meat-grading hooligans, you idiots.
Wow, I guess it's a good thing we blindly followed you here
instead of using a map.
Or common sense.
What are we waiting for?
To the Beef-a-Bago! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
(phone rings)
Dang ol' hello?
Oh, man, talkin' 'bout ol' Peggy, man,
want to talk to you, man.
Peggy?
Really?!
Oh, there was just a hijacking.
I'll fill you in later.
We're on our way.
Great news! Bobby's at the tournament!
He's competing right now.
Oh, no!
He's going to ruin everything!
We're toast. Despair for me.
Hey, that's no way to talk about your teammate.
He's saving your hides right now.
Doubtful.
He's terrible.
He's a fjortoft.
Come on now.
Bobby may have different talents than you,
but one thing you all share is your love of top quality beef.
I don't care about beef.
I only care about winning.
Dude, I'm a vegetarian.
What?!
You guys are even weirder than Bobby let on.
No wonder he wanted to quit the team.
(sighs) I'm gonna sit in the back with the cow.
MAN (over P.A.): All competitors, please report to the examining stations.
(inhales deeply, exhales sharply)
This piece of veal thinks
he's gonna beat us? (laughs)
I do my talking
on the carcass.
♪ ♪
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah!
The final event will determine
the Texas State collegiate meat-grading champion.
Each team must determine whether the specimen beef is prime beef
or flawed in any way.
Good luck.
(sighs) The competition's still going on.
We've still got a chance.
Bobby's in the finals!
Thanks for somehow not screwing things up.
But now is the time when you choke.
Step aside.
Okay.
It looks prime, but there's got to be a flaw somewhere.
It's perfect.
This is the marbling of your fantasies.
They just want us to think
there's a flaw. It's a trick!
Why aren't you up there, son?
They're afraid I'm gonna choke again.
But, Dad,
I think I saw a flaw. Really?
I think so.
It's something in the chine button.
Are you sure?
Yes, I am.
Then it's time to speak up.
Have you reached a decision?
Prime?
Prime! Prime?
Prime!
BOBBY: Hardbone!
No, no, no!
(all laughing)
If you look closely at the chine button
Of the 13th rib,
you will see it has begun to ossify.
This carcass is too old to be prime.
Again: hardbone!
Correct.
Heimlich County is the new state champion.
(all cheering)
(meat sizzling)
Boy, I could listen
to the sound of sizzle all day long.
It's pretty relaxing.
(sniffs)
What do you say we mooch some hillbilly barbecue?
I haven't finished my organic chemistry homework.
You're three grades ahead already.
Take the night off.
Oh, thank you, sug.
My headache feels a lot better.
Well, I may not have John Redcorn's healing touch,
but I do know a lot about the female body
on account I once saw a possum ripped apart.
(sniffs)
I smell beef!
Don't even fool with shoes.
Grab Gracie and let's go!
(sniffs)
Look at you, my two Hill men.
We might need more food.
We've got company.
Well, Dad, it looks like this is the last one.
Oh, you're just getting started, Bobby.
You'll be grilling your whole life.
Just like you.
Yep.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Ripped By mstoll